✈️ 25 October 2023 LOVE-Fully (new journal)
🌅 Morning
Boroszewo, Poland
I’m in the office room.
My legs are covered with a blanket.
My ears listen to a thunderstorm & rain Spotify mix.
I’m all safe and sound physically.
Mentally?
That’s a different story.
I oscillate between uplifted, terrified, and frozen, quite rapidly.
It seems like my head can’t keep up with how much is changing, all at once.
That’s why I’m here, dear Journal.
Let’s help me move beyond,
into the new.
What’s going on?
✈️ I. We bought tickets to Spain
The dream we’ve had for the last 3?4? years just moved one massive step closer.
I’m equal parts ecstatic, as I am paralyzed.
It’s such an intense cocktail of feelings my body keeps shutting down; a well-known defense mechanism.
It’s such a big event, such a caliber of change.
On par with leaving Warsaw in 2019, maybe even mighter.
Sure, it might turn out this trip is just a month-long vacation.
I’m almost certain though it will be so much more than that.
👨👦 2. I’m in full-on nanny mode
Natalia is head-deep in work.
Her big office project has a deadline on Monday, and until then 85% of parenting capacity is on me.
Oh, and from Monday on it will not change that much.
It looks like the next 3,5 weeks before we leave will be my daddy times.
Same as with Spain → I’m both happy and fearful for this perspective.
It’s an opportunity (possibly once-in-a-lifetime) to elevate our bond to new highs.
It’s also an enormous challenge → am I strong enough to give my Boy everything he needs?
👷 3. Work
Another big one.
I have so many ideas and so little time to work on them.
Maybe it’s for the better?
A tight set of constraints can help reach new creative ways, point to the essence.
There’s no room for ifs, buts, and maybes.
Kill with every swing of the axe.
Hit the needle with Thor-hammer.
Mighty easy.
🤰 4. 2nd baby
We were supposed to start trying next week.
But with so much going on, so much stress, I’m not sure if it’s a good idea.
Wouldn’t we (including the new baby) be happier (& healthier) if it happened a month later, in chilled-out Andalusian sŭn?
This moment, this era in my life smells like moving, embracing, making dreams reality.
I will be tested, pushed, and reconfigured.
I will shed skin, let go, reach beyond past limits.
I will do whatever it takes to fulfill my one and only mission.
Be Alive.
LOVE-Fully.
🌘 Evening
Boroszewo, Poland
I can’t pretend today was anywhere as riveting, dopamine-pumping as for example Monday (Sopot).
We did some pretty ordinary missions:
Teeth check-up & surgery planning (next Monday) for Nati in Gdańsk
Nap walk in the rain
Copying the door key at Manhattan
Short visit at Bałdziak
Fantastic pumpkin risotto + tofu
Writing (best one in ages)
Pre-sleep prep
Cleaning the house
As boring as today’s activities may sound, especially to my highest-high-chaser-crew, I was still able to notice, open up to some extraordinary, aliveness-provoking moments:
🍭 Carrying Hugi in my arms en route to the clinic, dancing & singing that the rain (quite heavy at that moment) will not stop us from having an awesome time
🍭 Hearing my dad say that being around Hugo is his therapy, that when he sees him his heart starts beating differently
🍭 Explosions of uncontrollable laughter between Hugi & Nati in the car pretending that everything is sausage “Kiełbasa” <don’t ask>
🍭 Confessing to my journal about what I’m going thru, and feeling so much lighter, elevated afterwards
🍭 Cleaning the house knowing it will be a massive mood booster & productivity steroid for Nati (she’ll be working here tomorrow for the whole day while we’re out having fun)
🍭 Appreciating every bite of that tongue-blessing risotto (now that Natalia’s working so much my diet consists mostly of pre-packed vege-burgers & protein shakes…)
🍭 Combing Nati’s hair with my fingers to calm her down in bed
🍭 Every time Hugo says he wants to be hugged & makes these sweetest eyes
🍭 Writing now late at night
🍭 Quote of the day
”Hugo Trocha jest najwspanialszy”
(“Hugo Trocha is the greatest”)
- Hugo, 25 October
🍭 And, perhaps most importantly, easing into the new season, stepping into my new shoes, allowing myself to let go & simultaneously embrace.
I’m a sucker for all new beginnings.
This one, however, feels extra.
For the first time ever,
I’m not trying to force-escape who I was.
I fucking loved the guy.
It’s more of an evolution,
act of natural blossoming,
simply allowing and being excited about
ALL NEW TO COME.
Herefore, officially…
Welcome to my new, old life.
Love, Bartosz
